#168 Some advice? Never take a blind date to a silent film.
#169 For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
#170 IfTylenol, duct tape, or a band aid can't fix it, you've got some serious problems.
#171 Its like finding a fart in a jacuzzi.
#172 Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
#173 Why do they steralize needles for lethal injections?
#174 Why do phsychics need to ask for your name?
#175 God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain amount of things. Right now I'm so far behind I'll never die.
#176 Now....I'm not the smartest banana on the potato tree.
#177 They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck.
#178 Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer door knob with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is important during very cold weather or mosquito season. - Cat Guidance\b0\line #\b 179 "To read or not to read" That is the question. Although when it comes to the Twilight series the answer should be quite obvious.
#180 Santa Clause will come for your souls!
#181 Everybody loves the gay guys. The straight guys are all ass holes.
#182 Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
#183 Everything in this room is eatable. Even I am eatable, but that, my children, is called cannbalism.
#184 I'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.
#185 Not only do I fall down stairs, I trip up them--now that takes talent.
#186 Friends ask why your crying, best friends already have the shovel ready to bury the loser who made you cry.
#187 He said I love you. I sneezed and said "Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit"
#188 A good friend lets you dance with your boyfriend. A best friendyells at him and says "NO SHE'S MINE!"
#189 Forget about the people in the past. There's a reason they didn't make it to your future.
#190 You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, which is pretty much the same thing.
#191 I wish my lawn was emo, then it would cut itself.
#192 Best friends: Wedance like we're retarded, laugh like we're freaks, sing like we're on drugs, but hey, we're havin' fun!
#193 Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
#194 He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
#1Fruit loops are like gay cheerios
#2 I'm not retarded! I just like licking windows!
#3 You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you jump off a cliff I laugh even harder.
#4 I may look safe, but as soon as I get you alone... I WILL EAT YOU!
#5 Kindergarten: whare the definition of drama is someone stealing your crayons.
#6 Keepin it gangsta white girl style (Mek so some of then are just fun to say and not exactly funny. sue me)
#7 Life was so simple when boys had cooties...
#8 I dont discriminate, i hate everybody
#9 Friends are like bras, close to the the heart and there for support
#10 Yes I do use my hairbrush as a microphone and dance around in my underwear thank you very much
#11 I'm so goth I punched a Care Bear
#12 Good girls are bad girls who don't get caught
#13 Oh yeah? Well, I dont like your pants.
#14 I shower naked.
#15 I'll make your heart beat like your on cocaine.
#16 I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.
#17 rawr. fear me.
#18 Buy me a plastic ring and tell me you love me
#19 I am absolutely awesome. Agree or die.Shoes can change your life, just ask Cinderella.
#21 lol is the polite way of saying: that wasnt funny, shut up already, your really annoying, why are you talking to me?, i really don't care or you just have nothing to say at all.
#22 Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.#23 At least my boobs are big.
#24 If you can't fix it with duck tape you haven't used enough.
#25 Warning: Children left alone will be sold to the circus.
#26 My parents are afraid of the people in Hot Topic.
#27 Hug a tree. They have less issues than people.
#28 I hate bees okay? They're like flying death monkeys.
#29 I love you like an emo kid loves girls pants.
#30 I've got A.D.D. and magic markers. Oh the thrills I will have.
#31 Stress: When the body can no longer resist the urge to choke the shit out of some ass-hole who really deserves it.
#32 I don't know what your problem is but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
#33 Your a great friend but if the zombies chase us I'm tripping you.
#34 I purposely create awkward moments because I think its funny.
#35 My friends are the kind who, if the house was burning down, would be making smores and hitting on the firemen.
#36 Smile. It's easier than to explain why your crying.
#37 Make cookies not war.
#38 Of course I'm talking to myself. Who else can I trust?
#39 Take the L out of Lover and it's Over
#40 All that and a bag of chips
#41 Go buck a fuffalo
#42 Your fishy appears to have died of thirst. Take this band-aid and come back to see me in 3 weeks. #43 Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought "Where the hell is my ceiling?!"
#44 42.7% of all statisics are made up on the spot.
#45 A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be sitting next to you saying "Damn, we fucked up..."
#46 Sometimes I get so weird I even freak myself out.
#47 Good friends don't let you do stupid things....alone.
#48 A friend would lend you her umbrella in the rain, but a best friend would take yours and say "Run bitch run!"
#49 I'm the girl who can watch tons of horror movies and not get scared, but when the toast pops out of the toaster I scream at the top of my lungs.
#50 I put the *fun* in dysfunctional.
#51 I want to be your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye. #52 Take love, multiply it by infinity, and take it to the depths of forever and you still will only have a glimpse of how much I love you. (Me: awwwwwww that is sooooo sweet!)#53 Kiss me like an overdramatic actor.
#54 We shall strart at the end of the world. ONWARD!
#55If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll be glad to do it for you.
#56 Boyfriends stab you in the heart, friends stab you in the back, but best friends don't carry knives.
#57 You call me a bitch, well a bitch is a dog and dogs bark and bark is on trees and trees are part of nature and nature is beautiful so yeah thanks for the compliment.
#58 Smile. It makes people wonder what your thinking.
#59 Understatment of the day: I'M NOT KRAZY!
#60 I'm not gonna waste the perfect comeback on you,but don't think I don't have one, oh yes, it's time will come.
#61 Of course I'm mature
#62 My evil plan? I'll tell you in hell.
#63 What am i on? What does it look like?
#64 Pardon my French but what the fuck are you talking about?
#65 I AM NOT CRAZY! I'm just....not normal.
#66 Old friends kick harder
#67 Painted toenails. The mark of a true bad-ass.
#76 Constipated people don't talk crap.
#77 I'm not anti-social. Society is anti-me.
#78It ain't us; the whole world spins the wrong way, baby.
#79DANGER; THESE LETTERS HAVE SHARP EDGES.
#80If you're heart was broken, you'd be dead. So shut up before I break it for you.
#81 Support the fine arts, shoot a rapper.
#82 Angry people need hugs, Or sharp objects.
#83There are no stupid questions, only a vast number of inquisitive idiots.
#84 Friends don't let friends get mullets.
#85 Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more#86 Drugs have taught an entire generation of american kids the metric sytem.
#87 Wait, wait, wait...What the hell?
#88 I hate valentines Day.I think V-day should be made into Pie Day! Everybody loves pie!
#89 Common sense, a thing of the past
#90 I'm not a complete idiot...some parts are missing.
#91 In the last 20 seconds of my life, I would like to take a minute to thank my parents.
#92 That's umpossible!
#93 Ok then, do it, but don't come running to me when you've broken both of your legs.
#94 Some call it stalking. I call it love
#95 I'm so goth I flipped off a teletubby.
#96 Moo. I'm a pig.
#97 When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
#98 It's always the darkest before dawn. So if you're gonna steal your naighbor's paper,that's the time to do it.
#99 Follow your dream! Unless its that one where you're at school in your underwear.
#100 Bullshit makes the flowers grow, and thats beautiful!
#101 My soul has been removed to make room for all of the sarcasm.
#102 Seance my ass! If the ghost comes and follows me home and rips off my flesh and kills me. I'm gonna come back and haunt your ass.
#103 Let's do something daring! LETS EAT FROZEN YOGURT!
#104 Pickles are cucumbers soaked in evil.
#105 \b0 Santa=magic\line Magic=free stuffFree stuff=stealing Stealing=illegal THEREFORE, Santa=ILLEGAL!!!
#106 Team Perv: Because I imagine Edward naked in every chapter.
#107 I don't bite. Wait...That's a lie.
#108 Cracks in the concrete are just a reminder that you fall apart no matter how strong you are.
#109 I'm busier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest.
#110 I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to do.
#111 What happens if you get scared to death twice?
#112 When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
#113 Last night I played a blank tape on full-blast. The mime next door went nuts.
#114 Make like a tree and leave.
#115 Remeber: You're unique, just like everybody else.
#116 Guy: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U next to I together.You: Actually, I like the way alphabet is; "N" next to "O".
#117 Oh my. I think I just saw a flying squirrel.
#118 A rose by any other name would likely be deadly thorn-bearing asault vegetation.
#119 When in trouble or doubt, run in circles and scream and shout.
#120 I fear that one day I'll meet God. He'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.
#121 The voice may not be real, but they have some good ideas.
#122 Don't piss me off, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
#123 By the time you read this message it'll be too late to stop
#124 you're like Wal-mart, you've got it all
#125 Don't look at me with that tone of voice!
#126 May the fleas of a thousand camels crawlinto the crotch of the person who fucked up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch
#127 Girl 1: I'm gonna kill those bastards. Girl 2: And I'll hand you the blunt spoon to do it with.
#128 Our friendship is tighter than the Jonas brothers pants.
#129 Arms are for hugging, boys are for kissing, sluts are for dissing, and best friends are for when the boy is kissing the slut.
#130 Your not dumb don't be stupid.
#131 Stay close, watch yourself, and remember, if zombies don't get you first, my terrible dialogue will.
#131 The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.
#132 Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
#133 Ooooooooooo, a baby, can I kill it?
#134 Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every 6 months.
#135 Grrrrr, right now I'm about as happy as a penguin in a microwave.
#136 Robert Patterson can make a million girls swoon with one look, I can make you never look at an electric toothbrush the same way again. We all have our gifts.
#137 "WHAT THE COCK WAS THAT?!?!"
#138 Before you critisize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do critisize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
#139 All the things I like are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.
#140 Don't forget Mother's Day...Or as they call it in Beverly Hills: Dad's Third Wife Day.
#141 If we're not supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
#142 Nobody believes the official spokesperson, but everybody trusts the unidentified source.
#143 In the first place, God made idiots, that was for practice. Then he made school boards.
#144 Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
#145 I'm always amazed of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is that, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
#146 If toast always lands butter side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
#147 You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquotedthen used against you. #148 I wonder how deep the ocean would be without sponges.
#149 Honk if you love peace and quiet.#150 I feel like I'm diagnally parked in a parralel universe
#151 The person who smiles when something goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
#152 When I die, I wanna go peacefully,asleep, like my Grandfather did--not screaming like the passengers in his car
#153 Your just jeolous because the voices only talk to me.
#154 If you can't convince them, confuse them.
#155 Evening news is when the begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. #155 It takes a lot of brains to look as dumb as I do.
#156 When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
#157 Earth is the Insane Asylum for the universe.
#158 Join the army, meet intesting people, kill them.
#159 A synonym is a word you use when you don't know how to spell the one you first thought of.
#160 I have many ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
#161 I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made the horn louder.
#162 My mind works like lightning...One brilliant flash and then it's gone.
#163 I understand why paper beats scissors,and I get why rock beats scissors, but there's no way paper can beat rock.Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebookpaper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, beacause paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear the crap out of that in 2 seconds. When I play Rock Paper Scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I can punch them in the face with my already made fist and say "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought your paper would protect you."
#164 Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said,I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.The second said, I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.The third said, I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded. The fourth one said, I like to operate on lawyers. Theyre heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable.
#165 The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. What is your name? was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
John,the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, Look, I dont know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I dont call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - thats all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?
The new guy sighed and said,Darling. My name is John Darling.
Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is\
#166 A chemical engineer, an accountant and a government worker are arguing about who has the smartest dog. The engineer calls his dog and says Liter, do your stuff.Liter goes to the lab, grabs a beaker in his mouth, sets it on the floor, grabs a pitcher of water and pours exactly four ounces of water into the beaker, without spilling a drop.The accountant smiles and says, Good, but watch this. He calls his dog and says, Abacus, do your stuff. Abacus goes to the kitchen, pulls out a bag of cookies, opens it and counts out six, which he arranges on a piece of paper, without breaking or eating any. The government worker sneers and yells out Coffee Break, go for it. Coffee Break come in, eats the cookies, drinks the milk, takes a dump on the paper, sexually molests the other dogs, complains that in doing so has strained his back, lodges a hazardous working conditions complaint, files for disability and goes home on sick leave.\line #167 There were two blondes walking along the steet and she sees a mirror so she picks it up and says that person looks familiar The second blonde says you dummy its me!